So, I’m sitting in my room with my boyfriend and he suddenly suggests we go to the movies. I was excited. Wow, the movies! No more renting for us or experiencing the hell of the dollar movies- we were going to the big, super expensive real movies! Yowza! I asked him what he wanted to see, and never in a million years did I think that “Constantine” would come out of his mouth. In fact, the moment it did come out of his mouth, I wanted it to go back in. Ok, I’m exaggerating, it really wasn’t that bad. The main fault in this movie was that Keanu Reeves spoke far too much. He’s a much better actor when he occasionally grunts, takes a red pill or even participates in a Matrix orgy. Other than that, he’s pretty much a lost cause as an actor, though he wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought he would be. I give him a minute amount of credit. Don’t tell him I said so.

I learned many a thing about hell from this movie, one being that hell could be found in my very own movie theater. I think loud, annoying children and assholes with cellphones are just attracted to me for reasons that are beyond all understanding. I once again had a hellish experience at the local Cinemark 16. I can’t quite fathom why anyone that has an infant child feels the need to go to the movies and ruin everyone else’s movie enjoyment. I mean, they honestly can’t think that their child is going to stay nice and quite during scenes of screeching and death howls unless they’ve given them a boatload of bourbon. And I doubt they have. This child (who just so happened to be sitting in the row behind me) managed to scream her way through the movie- the high point being during a moment of suspenseful silence that was cut through by a scream of either pain or intense happiness. Gee.

Now, to the plot of the movie- there’s a guy, Constantine, and he fights demons and stuff hoping to eventually right his wrongs and earn acceptance into Heaven. Oh my God. Sounds like another show I know… “Angel”. Yes, John Constantine IS Angel, they just don’t call him that. He prances around fighting evil with his witty sidekick (the kid from “Even Stevens” and “Holes”…didn’t imagine him in a demon fighting role, but hey, whatever), and eventually tries to stop a crazy plan that deals with making Satan’s son crawl out of someone’s stomach. Tons of fun! I’m shocked that Buffy and Spike weren’t there too, having Willow, Giles, and Wesley work together to make a containment spell to keep Mammon (apparently Satan’s son has a name that means ‘bullshitter’ in Spanish) from poking his head out of someone’s belly button.

Angel Constantine, which is what I will call him from now on, had the ability to stick his feet in water and be able to wander around freely in Hell for as long as he wanted to. Yes, water. I tried it…just ended up with pruney feet and a mess on my kitchen floor. Well, during Angel Constantine’s journeys around Hell, I realized that Hell is basically composed of nothing but burning cars and lots of flying dirt. I suppose having dirt in your eyes for the rest of your life could be considered hell, and I definitely would be sad if I had to drive a car that was on fire…but my idea of hell definitely didn’t include those things. At that moment, it really only included a screaming child in the movie theater full of people with cell phones that had annoying ringtones. That’s way worse.

Anyway, in the end justice and right apparently conquer and all is well and Constantine is able to go around and rescue more possessed girls and rabid dogs or whatever. The movie was mediocre at best, and mildly stinky at worst- but it was better overall than some movies I have seen lately (The Grudge…hint hint). I’d say a 6-pack will do you for this movie- no need to go all out and buy a keg.