Alternatively Titled Blockbuster by Numbers

This is a film that has always pretty much been ‘The Hugh Jackman Vehicle’ TM. Before the trailer came out there were already reports of the grizzly Aussie waking up at four and hitting the gym for an ungodly number of hours. Much has been made of the middle-aged wolfman’s buffness. Indeed female fans of the manly type have been drooling into their pillows for months over the promo pics of this badboy. So needless to say I was fully prepared for some gratuitous shots of the Jack Attack semi-nude. The result was as expected.

In fact, everything about this movie is pretty much as expected. This is Blockbuster Manufacturing 101, Film by Numbers, Moviemaking for Dummies, whatever you want to call it.

Muscular manly hero? Check

Muscular manly villain? Check

Hot love-interest who spouts new-age bollocks that later become relevant? Check

Attempt at superhero moodiness? Check

Funk fight scenes? Check

Explosions? Check

Exceptionally clunky cheese-ridden attempts at light comedy along the way? Check

Bastardisation of established comic narrative? Check

All of the ingredients for a blockbuster extravaganza, it would seem. But they all go wrong somewhere along the line. I was punched in the arm by my girlfriend for laughing out loud in the cinema at Moving Moment No. 43. Picture the scene: A gruff hairy Australian meat machine who shares his name with a canine creature is cradling a wounded woman in his arms. Does he cry? Not really, his nose just goes a little red and his lower lip wobbles symbolically. Does he call for help like most people might? Not exactly. Instead our furry hero throws his head back and lets out a primal growl of rage  that echoes through out the forest. It’s supposed to be epic, but it comes off as mechanical rote. There’s emotion here (dear god the producers wish this film was The Dark Knight) but they’re about as deep as a puddle in the desert. The trouble is that everything feels really stilted and unnatural, Ibsen or Shakespeare this ain’t.

SPOILER ALERT! As a self-confessed geek I feel that the complete screwing of certain characters was completely unforgivable. In a way it’s a real shame that this movie was so focused on Wolverine because two other characters warrant so much more screen time than they are pitifully allotted: I’m referring, of course, to Gambit and Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds is excellent for all of about 3 minutes cumulatively. This guy needs his own Deadpool movie, I mean, REALLY. He kicked more ass than you’d get if you mixed the population paste of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Tony Jaa and Chuck Norris and gave it to a willing female donor for birthing. Well maybe not quite. The point is that he really needed more screen time. Unfortunately, probably in order to create a suitable end boss for the inevitable video game tie-in, Deadpool gets completely fucked over and character-spliced into Weapon XI.

Gambit simply suffers from the same disease as Deadpool: that of Blinkandyoullmisshim-itis. Taylor Kitsch (is that a stage name?) is very smooth and suave as the Cajun card master but his accent disappears after the first scene he’s in and then, well, he seems to drop off the face of the planet too, reappearing at the end of the film just to hammer in the ending that we all know is coming……that Wolverine has lost his memory.

There are some ridiculous moments to this film. A weakness to adamantium bullets (adamantium bullets?….I mean COME ON!….jeez), and watching Hugh Jackman jump naked off the top of an enormous waterfall are simply two of them. But the saving grace of Wolverine, for all its faults (and there are many), is that at its core it is complete unashamed fun. This is popcorn action fluff at it’s shiniest and, just as cats get excited by string and baubles, so too is there something glorious about this shallow clawfest. Jackman is at the heart of everything, and yes it does mean that some narrative elements suffer, but he’s well matched by Liev Schreiber’s menacing Sabretooth and Danny Huston’s oily Stryker.

Ultimately this movie will be whatever you want it to be………as long as you don’t mind it being shallower than a leaky paddling pool. It’s big, loud and brash. There are moments that will make you cheer and moments that will make you wince at how bad it is. But the pace means you never really care, and for that reason it doesn’t quite suck as much as it probably should. It’s also worth saying that if there was ever an advertisement for going to the cinema rather than streaming it in bad quality off the net, this is it. This was made to be watched on as large a screen as possible, with the surround sound turned up to 11. If you’re a Jackman fan then you’ll probably love it, and it’s not a movie for intellectuals, but I really got a kick out of it hence my frankly generous score. If you’re still not sold then at least take solace from the fact that it couldn’t have possibly been as bad as The Last Stand.

The Short Version: Mindless? Yes. Overblown? You bet. Sacriligious to the comics? Pretty much. But it’s also a good deal of fun if you can get past all that. Turn off your brain if you can and you’ll probably enjoy it. If you can’t, go watch Dead Poets Society again and cry over your mangled copy of Pablo Neruda’s Greatest Works.

CGI Rating:

(Deduct a beer if you’re not watching at the cinema.)