One should never hold a grudge!

I hate scary movies. I hate movies that make me jump, gasp, shriek or even force my heart to palpitate in terror. I always try to find something to laugh at in scary movies though, and luckily, The Grudge provided plenty of giggleicious material. I decided to rent this while I was staying at the beach a few weeks ago, hoping that it would be full of Sarah Michelle Gellar butt-kicking Buffyesque happenings, but I was sadly mistaken. It was like Buffy with a death wish- she might as well have painted a big sign on her chest that said “KILL ME, BIG SCARY MONSTER!”. The problem with this movie was that the monster was neither big nor scary, thus lending itself to a plethora of jokes and witty repartee.

Basic plot synopsis (and from now on Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character will be referred to as Buffy, since I don’t remember her name in the movie): Buffy is a nurse in Tokyo and she takes a job as a caretaker of some old crazy woman that’s living alone in a big house. The house is haunted by a not-so-scary ghost and her not-so-scary-but-blue-in-the-face ghost son because they were killed there years ago (and the movie gives some blah blah blah about killing things and rage lingering blah blah). Anyway, the former caretaker is eaten or something by the little boy in the attic…or she had her jaw ripped off or soul sucked out or something equally icky, so Buffy comes in to take her place. The ghost comes, the ghost haunts, the ghost croaks a bit and then the ghost does some other stupid stuff and the movie ends. Point is, the remainder of my review will revolve around the ghost itself- because hot damn, that ghost was funny! It was Scooby Doo and Farmer Johnson dressed up like a transsexual killer blob funny!

From now on, I’m going to call this ghost lady Sally McClannahan because I can think of no other name for her since I’m running low on creativity juices tonight. So, gather ’round children as I tell you the story of Sally McClannahan and her hijinx as a ghost in Buffy’s house in Tokyo.

Sally McClannahan was killed by her husband because she had an obsession with a man she’d never met, and had made crazy little journal shrines to him that her husband found. Yeah, I probably would have smacked her around a bit too just for being so damn crazy. Anyway, I digress. After she died, she found herself inexplicably unable to stop haunting her old house…and anyone who bothered to look at it. You would think she’d merely stop at haunting the people roaming around her former domain, but nooooooo…she’d crawl her ghosty ass all the way across town to go haunt and eat people who had merely glanced in the general direction of her home. I say “crawl” because…well, that’s all she could do to transport herself- crawl. Not very scary for a ghost, eh? You’d think Buffy would have just drop kicked her in the face and kept on walking, but amazingly enough, she was afraid of the magnificent crawling ghost. Perhaps she was just in awe that the directors thought people would ACTUALLY be afraid of a ghost that crawled to attack its victims. If it had sprinted…maybe….if it had ran, certainly….but a crawling ghost? Who the hell would be afraid of something you might step on if you’re not careful?

“Ooops! Sorry Sally McClannahan, I didn’t mean to step on you while you were in the midst of plotting your next evil deed! Didn’t quite notice you dragging your bloody body around and leaving streaks of red on my kitchen floor that I just mopped!”

Sally McClannahan also apparently thought that it would be nice to add prank phone-calling people to her list of crazy ghost abilities. I mean, who’s not afraid of someone prank phone-calling their house and asking for “Heywood Jablowme”? Gets me every time! She though, was clever about her phone calls, and merely croaked like a dying frog into the phone…which honestly, was really the only noise she ever made (that is, aside from the scooting sound she made when she slid around on the floor lamely attempting to attack people).

I, personally, am ashamed that Buffy did not kick butt in this movie. Then again, if she had kicked the ghost across the room in the first five minutes of the movie and had Giles and Willow perform a “Send-her-back-to-Hell” spell, the movie would have sucked due to the mere length of it. However, I would have preferred the ass kicking and spellbinding fun to the crawling and croaking that I experienced. Yes, I was drinking the night that I watched it, and no, the half a flask of vodka that I drank did absolutely nothing to enhance my viewing experience. It merely reminded me of the good ol’ days when people I knew would drink enough to end up crawling around on the floor like dear old Sally McClannahan…::tear:: memories! Too bad they were equally as frightening…if not more because I was worried they were going to throw up on my couch. Drink, and drink heavily to enjoy this one.