More like the crRraaaAAzy Candidate…
You know, ‘The Manchurian Candidate’ wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t that good, but it wasn’t too terribly bad. But, I nonetheless feel compelled to review it because 1. it kinda sucked, and 2. I’ve run out of material at the moment and I just saw this a few days ago. I’m always able to find things to make fun of, regardless of the movie.
‘The Manchurian Candidate’ (referred to henceforth as TMC because I’m once again very lazy) was another fine Denzel Washington thriller. He marched around, as usual, trying to prove a point and be prolific- the point in this movie being that he and an entire squad of soldiers had been hypnotized and the guy running for Vice President was hypnotized too by some big company called Manchurian Global and they all had implants in their backs and really liked soup. Wow, that was a long explanation that definitely didn’t make sense. I didn’t even bother to talk about the women with the weird facial tattoos, their tubular heads, or the back gnawing that occurred.
I suppose the only way to properly review this movie is to take it piece by piece…Beginning, middle, end. Even then, I’m sure you’ll be equally confused when I am finished.
A gripping, tense movie moment..
BEGINNING:
Denzel (for lack of remembrance of his movie name) and crew were hanging out in the middle of Desert Storm…Playing cards, looking at maps and pretending to be strategical. They end up in enemy fire…blah blah…Shooting, Denzel gets hit in the back of the head with a rock…Brick…Shoe, eh, something. Every soldier wakes up from the fight remembering the same details and words to describe it, basically amounting to “Raymond Shaw saved us all. He is God.” Zoom forward>>>>>>>>>>years later. Shaw is running for Vice President, Denzel is giving speeches to Boy Scouts, and the only remaining member of the squad is verifiably crRraaaAAzy. They all are having dreams that are making them think that their memories have been tampered with.
Denzel (for lack of remembrance of his movie name) and crew were hanging out in the middle of Desert Storm…Playing cards, looking at maps and pretending to be strategical. They end up in enemy fire…blah blah…Shooting, Denzel gets hit in the back of the head with a rock…Brick…Shoe, eh, something. Every soldier wakes up from the fight remembering the same details and words to describe it, basically amounting to “Raymond Shaw saved us all. He is God.” Zoom forward>>>>>>>>>>years later. Shaw is running for Vice President, Denzel is giving speeches to Boy Scouts, and the only remaining member of the squad is verifiably crRraaaAAzy. They all are having dreams that are making them think that their memories have been tampered with.
Another “WTF did they expect” moment courtesy of Hollywood!
MIDDLE:
Denzel, who seemed normal until this point, begins his descent into the land of the looney. We see that he is a No-Doz addict, lover of Ramen noodles and he dreams of tattooed women and tubes in his head. He starts to investigate, goes to talk to Shaw and it culminates in him chewing on Shaw’s back. All the while, and don’t expect me to mention this every time, Shaw’s mother is acting crazy and controlling and Shaw is getting hypnotic commands from Manchurian Global and his mother. They try to build up an Oedipal-type storyline with Shaw and Mommy Dearest, but it turns out stupidly and makes Shaw look like a big loser who can’t find a woman.
Denzel, who seemed normal until this point, begins his descent into the land of the looney. We see that he is a No-Doz addict, lover of Ramen noodles and he dreams of tattooed women and tubes in his head. He starts to investigate, goes to talk to Shaw and it culminates in him chewing on Shaw’s back. All the while, and don’t expect me to mention this every time, Shaw’s mother is acting crazy and controlling and Shaw is getting hypnotic commands from Manchurian Global and his mother. They try to build up an Oedipal-type storyline with Shaw and Mommy Dearest, but it turns out stupidly and makes Shaw look like a big loser who can’t find a woman.
After Mr. crRraaaAAzy bites Shaw’s shoulder off…
END:
Alright, this storyline is way too long and drawn out and complicatedly stupid. I’m getting lazy. From now on you get snippets about the end.
Alright, this storyline is way too long and drawn out and complicatedly stupid. I’m getting lazy. From now on you get snippets about the end.
- Denzel’s love interest turns out to be a cop.
- Shaw makes out with mom.
- Shaw kills the girl who shunned him and the senator that he was running against for VP. He claims he was “hypnotized”. We all know he was just angry that he was a big loser.
- Denzel shoots them both.
- Denzel is set free and goes back with his secret agent cop girlfriend to the place he is hypnotized.
- Movie ends, audience cheers.
crRraaaAAzy mom to the rescue!
My question is…why did Manchurian Global want to put a “sleeper” in the White House (just quoting from the preview…wonder if it means he’s just going to nap the whole time he’s in office…)? Did they want control of oil? Did they just want to sit in the comfy chair? Or maybe…they just wanted their soup to control THE WORLD. I should have known. In tribute, I command everyone who watches this to drink 4 beers and have a Cup O’ Noodles. It’s an order.
Supershine rates this movie:
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