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There are some movies that are so perfectly made that every single frame drips with love and attention to detail. Films where the cinematography is so staggering that men in velveteen jackets cry themselves to sleep over a paused still on a dvd. These are films that tug at our hearts and massage our minds. It is on these cinematic pillars that the highest critical acclaim falls, wishing there would be others to follow in such majestically crafted footsteps. Under no circumstances in any of these films would John Turturro turn round on the steps of a rapidly disintegrating Wonder of the Ancient World and affirm very loudly that he is underneath a giant robot’s scrotum. These films are generally too busy navel gazing, or examining the insides of their own colons, to worry about things like the fact that they generally put you to sleep in under five seconds. These films are generally boring as fuck.

Transformers 2 is not one of these films. It is a film about giant robots fighting other giant robots. The key is in the title: if you like the idea of robots that can transform from vehicles into awesome bipedal mechanoids then that’s a good start. If you don’t….well what the fuck are are you reading this for?! For my part, I’d been looking forward to this for a long time. From the very first photos that leaked out onto the net, to the wild conspiracy theories that plagued the movie’s development about everything from the script to the number of robots to potential deaths. Everything was primed (excuse the pun) and as I stood in the queue with a couple of mates for the cinema having driven there with Lion’s theme song blaring out from the speakers on repeat, I felt utterly psyched.

Devastator really needed to start using mouthwash....or at least pop a Mentos or seven.

So does Transformers 2 deliver?

The answer, for my money is a resounding yes. There are more robots. More humour. More of the fights and the spectacular pyrotechnics that made the first one so very awesome when it wasn’t trying to ram witty human banter down our throats. I sat there begging for Optimus Prime to unleash the fury after essentially being Megatron’s punching bag in the first film. And I got exactly what I wanted. The plot, what there is of it, is really very straightforward. I’m fed up of critics whining about the plot: it’s not rocket science, get over yourselves and just watch the fucking thing! Anyway….Prime and the Autobots, with help from a handful of Americans, are busy hunting down Decepticons on Earth. The opening twenty minutes involves a tac team of robots (Yes that’s right….a tactical unit of enormous robots!!! How badass is that!) basically kicking the shit out of Shanghai. And other robots. Megatron is at the bottom of the sea, but back on Cybertron there’s a bigger bad. A metallically bearded fiend named The Fallen. Anyway, the Decepticons revive Megatron and the Fallen decides that he wants to harvest the Sun because apparently transforming robots can’t function just on kebabs and nicotine like the rest of us. In the meantime, Sam (a frenetic Shia LaBoeuf) finds a shard of the AllSpark and manages to get the location of the Sun Harvester’s key (there are MacGuffins everywhere, but who cares) burned into his brain. What follows is essentially a massive capture the flag game (with Sam as the flag) as the Decepticons try and find the key to power the Sun Harvester, but involving massive transforming robots, humans with tanks, guns, explosions, the desecration of several Wonders of the Ancient World. Oh, and Megan Fox looking really hot.

Prime now has double swords. Bumblebee kicks ass. There are robots beating the crap out of other robots. There are humans beating the crap out of robots. There are quick one-liners and reams of banter. There’s a scene where a middle-aged woman trips her nut off on mushrooms, and another with a tentacular robotic tongue that almost put me off oral sex for life. The pace never lets up. Yes, it’s film-by-numbers. Yes, it’s big and loud and mindless. Yes, it’s pure escapist fantasy. And I loved it. The entire cinema loved it. People laughed. People gasped. There were guys on the edge of their seats whispering ‘More!’ and weeping with delight. It didn’t matter about the plot holes or the dialogue, and I’ve seen worse. What mattered was the spectacle of the thing, and Michael Bay delivered. He pledged to make everything bigger. To make everything more badass. And he did.

Spielberg and Bay: I'm a little disturbed as to where Steven's left hand is going...there's a look in his eye that's just a little bit off.

This brings me to the main crux of this post: the reaction from the critics. As I type Transformers 2 has amassed a 20% rating on RottenTomatoes with many of the reviewers positioning themselves on high and handing out heavy lightning bolts dripping with condescension. The Daily Mail called it ‘big, noisy junk’, although this is hardly surprising considering the average age of your Mail reader is around 50, incontinent and feels threatened by microwaves. But some of the other reviews were disappointing to say the least. ‘Boring’? No. ‘Preposterous nonsense’? Maybe. But that’s what the best escapism is. One gets the feeling that the critics were judging this film by some curiously ill-fitting standards.

Pearl Harbor (you have no idea how much it grates the English student in me to have to leave the ‘u’ out there) sucked because it was marketed as this huge epic of war, love, betrayal and…..it was none of those things really. We always knew exactly what this movie was going to be. Bay and his production team themselves had already flung the doors to this movie wide open. What irritates me is the tone of these reviews because it derives from critical sneering in many cases. What pisses these critics off is that this is film-making at its most simplistic: Pick an audience. Blow shit up. Make lots of money. There are films made expressely with women in mind. Films designed for the family market. There are countless little indie films out there for little audiences about quirky romance and random offbeat humour. There are films for gun nuts and films for sexual deviants. There are gross-out comedies and weepy tearjerkers. There are films to make you scared, happy and sad. There are films to ake you crap your pants and bust a lung, sometimes at the same time. So why the hell shouldn’t there be a film like this one. I’d like to say something profound about how memories of childhood are precious and we should hold onto them and embrace the things that….blah blah…..the bottom line is that, for myself and my compatriots that night, we got back that childlike excitement. For two and a half hours I didn’t have a care in the world.

Skids and Mudflap: Currently tied with Jar-Jar Binks for The Most Irritating Characters of All Time

And I’ve never felt so psyched after a movie. So full of adrenaline. No film has ever made me so excited for such a long time after viewing. Some of the reviewers weren’t far off when they termed it ‘pulverising’. But, verbal presentation being everything, I’d prefer to go with ‘a cavalcade of spectacular delights’. Now I realise that this might say more about me than the film, but I don’t care. If the critics didn’t get a kick out of Transformers 2 then I can’t really slam a personal opinion. But in the midst of blockbuster season, to castigate it outright smacks of pomposity and arrogance. Maybe they’re hurt to not be part of its target audience. Maybe their parents never sprung for an Optimus Prime bedside lamp. Maybe it’s simply the fact that they know whatever they say that this movie is going to make big bucks. But if it does then it’s because there’s a market for it, a market that I’m actually really glad to be a part of. Let’s face it, both films are about big, noisy eye-poppingly CGItastic robots. The first film was slammed because there wasn’t enough robot action; well, Bay listened. Yes, it’s long. Yes, Devastator is fairly disappointing apart from his pendulous nutsack (maybe the testicles were a bit of a step too far Michael). Yes, the awfully stereotyped twins are possibly the most irritating cinematic characters since Jar-Jar Binks. But this movie does exactly what it says on the tin. I laughed with childish delight at the setpieces in this film. I forgot all about the boring global recession and how shit everything is right now. I almost had a seizure during this movie, so intently was I fixed on the screen and I loved every minute of it. If you can’t find the fun in a movie about enormous transforming robots blowing stuff up then don’t watch it. But try not to ruin it for everyone else. This is an entertainment industry after all.

Optimus Prime: No longer Megatron's punching bag....hells yeah for upgrades!

The Short Version: Michael Bay does spectacle, again. But better. This is a film about massive robots beating the crap out of other robots. If that sounds cool to you in any way, shape or form then I suggest you watch this movie, preferably on the biggest screen you can find. Switch off your brain for a change, forget the crumbling economy, and simply bask in the epileptic carnival.

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